I Live And Breathe In Now
by IBelieveYouLiar
Summary: Slightly more dramatic than my usual fare... Beckett's secret comes out and now she's got to fix the problems she's caused. References to S4. T for safety, one-shot.


**AN: Hey everyone! This one-shot is LESS happy than my usual fare, but I'd also like to think mildly more realistic than many of my stories. It revolves around the now infamous secrets our fabulous duo is keeping, and how those secrets come to light - so mild spoilers for Season 4.**

**If you like, you can find me on Twitter, I'm "SimoneLouise_XX", and I've got a Tumblr now which is almost entirely dedicated to Stana Katic haha. The URL is "katherinebeckettinever"**

**Enjoy the story!**

**IBYL  
><strong>**xo**

**Disclaimer: Nope, don't own them.**

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><p>It had taken Detective Kate Beckett a very long time to get to this headspace she was in, a space in which she was ready to accept that her mother's case, as painful as it was for her, shouldn't mean the end of her life. She wanted to take that next step, and she wanted it to be with Castle. But unfortunately, Castle wasn't talking to her right now.<p>

Understatement of the year. He was furious with her. She wasn't sure he'd ever speak to her again.

Her secret was out, and it was her own stupid fault for keeping it, for fighting with him. For opening her big mouth at the worst possible moment.

XXX

_They'd been arguing at the precinct. Beckett was in a foul mood, after being on the trail of a serial killer for four straight days. When she yelled at Castle for what was probably the 50__th__ time in the short couple of days, he broke, and moved to leave the precinct. When she saw him getting up, she snapped._

"_Jeez, Castle, can't handle it? I thought you were going to stand by me. I thought you said you lov-" She stopped dead, realising the ramifications of her last comment._

"_I said what?" He hissed angrily, and she bit her lip._

"_I heard you." She whispered, watching his eyes as his heart split apart in front of her._

"_You…" he started, the hurt and hatrid seeping from him. He glared at her before pulling his jacket on and stalking from the precinct._

_Kate knew better than to try and talk to him now._

XXX

It had been a week and a half since that fight. She'd solved the case two days ago, and taken a week off to try and sort out the insane mess she made. She'd tried to ring him, but he was screening her calls. She expected that. What she hadn't expected was the reaction at the precinct. The boys didn't know what was happening, but clearly they knew how upset Castle was, if the frosty reception Beckett was getting was any indication. She hadn't even spoken to the boys since she left the precinct.

She went to visit Lanie and give her the full story, and she was mad. Seriously angry. And Kate hadn't really expected that either. When Kate had asked why Lanie was so angry with her all of a sudden, Lanie paled.

"You weren't in the waiting room, Kate. I watched that man fall apart. I watched him blame himself for that bullet hitting you, and I watched him get decked by Dr Motorcycle Boy. He laid his heart out to you, and you LIED? Damn right I'm mad at you! And then you left, you left him broken, you left me hurting, and then you never told the truth. You've lived your whole life fighting for the truth, Kate." Lanie shook her head. "I don't know why you stopped now."

"Josh hit Castle?" Kate asked, and Lanie looked up.

"Guess he didn't let you in on that little detail."

"Lanie… I…" Kate took a deep breath, fighting back tears. "Is apologising to you actually going to mean anything to you right now?" She asked, and Lanie nodded, so Kate continued. "I'm sorry, Lanie. I panicked, and I pushed everyone away because I'm so used to fending for myself, and I regret it so much. I wish I could turn back time, but I can't. And I'm going to fix this." Kate said strongly, just as the first tear leaked. Lanie pulled her into a hug.

"Don't think I'm not still mad. I just know you've got other people who you need forgiveness from more right now." Lanie said, pulling her best friend into a hug. When they pulled away, Kate sighed.

"What am I going to do, Lanie?" She whispered, and Lanie heard the crack in her voice.

"I'm guessing he's not answering your calls."

"And I'm sure if I went over there he'd slam the door in my face. And I'd deserve it." Kate added.

"Write to him." Lanie said softly, and Kate looked up wide-eyed. "Words for Writer Boy, I'm surprised you didn't think of it earlier." Kate got up and pulled Lanie into a huge hug.

"Thank you, Lanie. I love you." She whispered softly, and Lanie smiled despite herself.

"I'm not the one who needs to hear those three little words right now. Go." Lanie said, and Kate headed for home.

She had a letter to write.

XXX

She hand-wrote the letter, of course. Apologies, especially for something as big as this, couldn't be made on a machine. It was hard, of course, but she went for honesty. Rick Castle was an honest man, and as much as it might hurt for her, she needed him to know. When she'd finished the letter a few hours later, she drove over to the loft and snuck upstairs, sliding it under the door. She was desperately praying he would read the letter as she took the stairs two at a time, hoping to avoid any awkward lobby meetings with members of the Castle family.

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><p>Castle walked from his study after three hours of writing absolutely nothing. Gina would be fuming mad but right now, he couldn't care less. He was home alone – Alexis was out with friends and Martha was somewhere, he'd presumably see her later. The loft was apparently still empty, quiet – it unsettled him. He wanted noise, movement, not a reminder of exactly how alone he was right now. It had been 10 days since he'd been at the precinct, fighting with Kate. He'd screened all of her calls after her admittance. He didn't want to hear her excuses, he was hurt. Hell, he was broken. He'd spoken to the boys briefly, but admitted nothing – it was Kate's place to tell them, not his. He knew they'd recognise the hurt in his voice.<p>

He'd spent majority of the 10 days wallowing in his office, trying to write something constructive that didn't involve killing off Nikki Heat. He started writing Rook a new love interest, but deleted it all – he couldn't do that. As hurt as he was, he wasn't heartless. Unlike some people, he'd thought bitterly.

When he reached the lounge room he was just about to collapse onto the sofa when he spotted a flash of white over near the door. On approach, he realised it was an envelope. When he saw the carefully written 'Castle' imprinted on the front, he sighed. A part of him was expecting this, but honestly the larger part of him was expecting her to run again. He turned the envelope over in his hands a few times, before walking to the kitchen.

If he was going to do this, he was going to need a scotch to numb the pain.

XXX

He moved back to his office, sitting in the large armchair with his glass. He put it on the table next to him before opening the stark white envelope and pulling out the letter. Picking his glass back up, he began to read.

_Castle,_

_I really hope you're reading this and it's not just sitting in a trash can somewhere, not that I'd blame you if you threw it away._

_I was appalling to you._

_I know that now. I knew that then as well, I guess. I was just so caught up that I didn't realise until long after the damage had been done, the lie had begun._

_And I'm so sorry._

_Not just for this awful hurt that I've caused you, but the thousands of hurts before that too. In my quest to be a good person, I ended up becoming one of the worst. But I'm trying to fix it. I'm trying to fix many things._

_I tried to thinly veil it that day on the swings, but thin veils aren't my friends at the moment, so I'll put it simply:_

_I'm trying to be better for you. I'm trying to fix myself for you._

_It's taken me a long time to admit that. It's taken me a long time to admit a lot of things – my therapist has been trying to help me with that, but it's slow going._

_Lanie wisely pointed out to me earlier, after she'd found out what I'd done and yelled at me for it, that I'm a girl who's built her whole life on truth-seeking. I was wrong to lie, and since I was dishonest with you, I feel like I need to tell you the truth about a lot of things, most importantly, why I lied._

_I remember everything from Roy's funeral. The pain. Watching Evelyn and the girls crying. The eulogy. The gunshot. Your body colliding with mine. Those three little words._

_The next thing I remember is waking up in a bright white room with tubes sticking out of me and Josh standing over me. Then there was a parade of visitors – my dad barely left my side. And through all that time, I was still trying to figure out what was real, and what was a dream. When I saw you that day in the hospital, saw the look on your face when I told you everything was a blur, I knew I hadn't imagined what you said. Hell, it was written all over your face back then, but I didn't know how to deal. I was still in so much pain, and I resorted back to my old ways, and pushed you away._

_I was so scared, Rick. Everything I felt for you, coupled with recovery, overwhelmed me. I broke it off with Josh the next time I saw him, and asked my dad if I could go and stay with him at the cabin. Again, I ran away, hoping that my life would start to make some sense if I got a little distance from the city._

_It didn't really work._

_I'm still scared, even now, of everything that I feel for you. You drive me crazy, and yet you make me so stupidly happy, and I don't deserve you. I'm still a broken mess, and you still… you still love me. And part of me can't even believe that you're in my life, let alone like this. But it's one of the things I talk about with Dr Burke._

_The other thing Dr Burke has been helping me with is letting my mother's case go. And he's right. I need to live my life in the here and now, not in the past. As much as I hate the idea of leaving this case unsolved, I have faith that someday, somehow, something will show up to help me with finding who ordered her murder, and who ordered my shooting._

_Right now, I need to not let the best thing in my life slip away from me._

_I'm sorry I hurt you, Rick. I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry I was cowardly, and I'm sorry that I had to start all of this with a dumb fight._

_And no, I'm not going to end this letter with those three little words. I'm not going to say them to you until you're standing in front of me again. And I realise that may mean I never get to see you again, and tell you what I feel… but I don't even know if you're still reading this, so I'm going to wait until you're directly in front of me, and I'm looking into your eyes again._

_You know where to find me._

_Kate_

_Xo_

Castle downed the last of his scotch, choking out a gasp.

God, this woman.

This infuriating, frustrating, stressful, beautiful woman.

He left the study again, this time picking up his keys and phone, and leaving a note for Alexis. As much as he was angry, hurt, pissed off… he was in love with her, and reading that letter showed him that she, in her own incredibly confusing and strange way, was in love with him.

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><p>Kate had spent the whole evening at home after delivering her letter. Of course, a huge part of her hoped that Castle would come over, but mostly she just didn't have the energy to deal with anything, or anyone - except Castle, of course. But as the night wore on, her hopes faded. Maybe he hadn't read it yet… maybe he wasn't going to read it at all… maybe he had read it and was disgusted by her. She was leaning towards the last option, because after all, the man loved a story, even a horrible one, when she heard a hesitant knock on the door. Trying vaguely not to get her hopes up, she swooped over to the door and checked the peephole, and her heart fluttered wildly. She took a deep breath, and opened the door.<p>

"Rick." She whispered, and he coughed a little. She sidestepped to let him in to her apartment.

"I got your letter. And I'm still mad at you for this, for lying, but… I think that maybe a part of me always knew that you remembered… but I didn't ask questions because I was scared too." He said, being the bigger man. Kate smiled, stepping in front of him daintily and raising herself on her tip-toes to stare into his bright blue eyes.

"I love you, Richard Alexander Rodgers." She said softly, watching some of the hurt fade from his eyes. "And I'm beyond happy you're here so that I could say that for real. I know I hurt you, and I'm sorry – but I'm going to fight for this, fight for you, with everything I have… as long as you've forgiven me enough for you to be willing to give this, us, a shot."

"I may not be the only one who has something to forgive." He murmured, and her eyes locked with his. He sighed. "I've been looking into your mom's murder. When you came back to the precinct, a guy called me. Said he was a friend of Montgomery's, and had the information he needed to protect you, provided you didn't dig further into your shooting."

"That's why you got me to let it go." She said, understanding seeping through her.

"I've been looking further, but I haven't found anything. Every lead is a dead end." He said. "I'm sorry I kept it from you, but this guy said it was dangerous for you to look."

"So you started?" Kate asked, and Rick misinterpreted her fear as anger.

"Don't be mad at me for keeping you alive."

"I'm not mad at you for keeping me alive, I'm mad at you for risking your own life by digging! God, Rick, you can't lose your life for me! You have a family!"

"And you've been a part of it for a very long time, Kate." He said, and her breath caught in her throat.

Oh, this man. This exasperating, gorgeous man.

She looped her arms around his neck and pushed her lips against his very quickly, before stepping back.

"Please stop digging, Rick. I… I still want to solve my mom's murder, but not like this. I want to live, I want to love, and when the time's right, it'll happen." She said softly, and his heart swelled with pride at how far she'd come.

"When the fates allow?" He teased, knowing she didn't believe in that. So it was much to his surprise when she nodded.

"Sure, when the fates allow." She whispered, and he gathered her into his arms, kissing her once more.

Not everything was fixed, not even close – but at least they were both willing to fight for this. And that, that is why everything would fall into place.

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><p><strong>So yes, like I said, mildly more dramatic. I hope you liked it... I'd love to hear what you think!<strong>


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